Season: 2

Original Airdate: July 21, 2000

Writer(s): July 21, 2000

Director(s): Andrew Prowse & Tony Tilse

Guest Stars
Wayne Pygram as Scorpius
Matt Day as Tyno
Tina Bursill as Empress Novia
Felicity Price as Princess Katralla
Felix Williamson as Prince Clavor
Bianca Chiminello as Jena
Aaron Cash as Dregon
Gavin Robins as Cargn
Nicholas McKay as voice of Cargn
Francesca Buller as ro-NA

Script: View

Synopsis: The crew travels to a planet under the rule of a benevolent monarchy. The Queen-to-be, Princess Katralla, has had her DNA altered by agents working for her avaricious brother, Prince Clavor. As such, she cannot find a compatible partner – one of the requirements of becoming monarch. By pure chance, it turns out that Crichton is a compatible partner, and he is encouraged on all sides to marry. Crichton thinks the proposal ludicrous, and Aeryn keeps quiet on the matter, refusing to reveal her hurt feelings. But when Empress Novia threatens to hand Crichton over to Scorpius should he leave Katralla standing at the altar, Crichton consents to the marriage.

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John: Aeryn? Aeryn – no!
Aeryn: No! NO! I will not be a slave to your hormones!
John: My hormones? Hey, I was lips – you were tongue! Why did you do your hair?
Aeryn: To see if you’d notice.
John: Standing – at – attention!
Aeryn: Well I’ll let Zhaan know that you find her oils pleasing.
John: It’s you I find – pleasing.


John: Oh no no no no way Jose! You keep your mouth shut!
Rygel: But I am our best negotiator!
John: Our best self-serving-to-hell-with-anyone-else-iator! Just you shut up!


John: I’m going down to the planet – you wanna hang?


(On the planet at the party, a girl offers a bottle of something to him)
John: Oh, no, no, no, no. I stopped raving years ago.


Tyno: You’re the only male we’ve found who might be able to provide her with healthy children.
John: You want a donation to the sperm bank?
Tyno: I want you to consider marrying her.
John: You would just have to be on this side of my life to understand how frelling insane that is.
Tyno: She will be our next Empress. You will be Regent. Others would die for this chance!
John: See? Die! There’s the problem – there’s a die part!


D’Argo: Think it through. Scorpius has offered me a deal to turn you in.
John: What? Timeshare in his condo in hell?


Rygel: You increase our chances of figuring something out the longer you at least pretend to love this girl!
John: Love? Love! Rygel, there is no love! I am the reverse King Arthur. I am the one who could put the sword into the stone!


John: Relax Ace – I’m not gonna be your brother-in-law.
Prince Clavor: Is this some sort of jest?
John: Jest? No. It’s not a jest. On my planet, we don’t marry people we don’t love unless they’re critically ill billionaires


Aeryn: What do you mean you have no choice?
John: No choice. Rock. Me. Hard place.
Aeryn: Fight. Retreat. Remain silent.
John: Scorpius? The Empress?
Aeryn: You disappoint me Crichton.
John: You should lower your expectations.


Dregon: Marrying our Princess! Dregon Carsinova – cousin to the Crown.
John: John Crichton – Astronaut.
Dregon: Katralla’s a lovely girl. I wish you great happiness. And ah – you would be-?
Aeryn: Extremely preoccupied. Excuse me.
Dregon: Perhaps some other time then?
John: We’ll do lunch! Seemed like a nice guy.
Aeryn: Stop it.
John: So, any word on Moya?
Aeryn: I think she got spooked by Scorpius’ Command Carrier.
John: Yeah – spook. Spooky – that’s a good name for him. He has that effect.


John: Look – the Empress – this is her ball game. But if you have some suggestions, now would be a good time.
Aeryn: I’m just trying to figure out what they’re hiding from us.
John: Well see if you can figure out someone else to marry the Princess.
Aeryn: And if I can’t?
John: Better wed than dead.


John: 80 cycles– 80 cycles– that is roughly 80 years to you and me, and… Over 500 years to dogs!


John: Governing continuity. They screw with out molecular structure, turn us into pigeon perches, and we preside over their senate or whatever the hell they call it for 80 cycles.
D’Argo: As – a statue?
John: Yeah. An’ we can see, we can hear – don’t ask me how – and we’re supposed to absorb every single facet of their governmental system that way when Mom and Pops finally kick it – we rule.
D’Argo: Perhaps that’s why they’ve endured 1900 cycles of peace – It works.
John: You’re like a brochure.
D’Argo: You have to go through with it John.
John: 80 – cycles. My college loans will be delinquent. I’ll miss the strippers on my 100th birthday. I’ll get a utility bill for three trillion dollars for a single porch light I left on and everybody I know will be dead!
D’Argo: The alternative is having your brain dissected by Scorpius.
John: Humans do not live as long as Sebaceans – or Hynerians, or Delvians. When I get back, everyone – my Dad, DK, my sisters – Cameron Diaz, Buffy the Vampire Slayer – will be dead!


John: If I do this – you have to be my best man.
D’Argo: Uh… I’m with Chiana now – John.


(looking at his pink wedding suit)
John: Welcome to Barbie world.


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