Season: 2

Original Airdate: April 7, 2000

Writer(s): Justin Monjo

Director(s): Ian Watson

Guest Stars
Wayne Pygram as Scorpius
Danny Adcock asT’raltixx

Script: View

 

Synopsis: The crew returns from a Commerce Planet with a load of crackers and a meek alien called Traltixx, who promises he can alter Moya’s electromagnetics to make her untraceable. Crichton is skeptical; it seems too good to be true. As they pass through a constellation of Five Pulsars, an intense paranoia affects the crew, turning them violently against each other. Crichton must fight against his own paranoid delusions to work out what Traltixx is actually doing and how to stop him.

Last Episode
Guide
Next Episode

D’Argo: He said he could adjust Moya’s electromagnetics so that no one would be able to trace us.
John: Oh, great. So he’s like one of those mechanics on 60 Minutes who says he’s gonna help and then he screws us.
D’Argo: Crichton, we have to do something.

 


John: You know, I once bought a set of knives from this guy on TV. Cat swore to me that-that they could-they could cut through bone, metal, shoes – Hell, he could cut through my damn car and still dice tomatoes! You know what? He was lying.
T’raltixx: I – I don’t understand. If you don’t wish my-my services-
John: BINGO! Give brainiac the fluffy dog!

 


Pilot: Do you trust him?
John: Have you seen him? He’s blind. He’s got a big head, but he’s blind. Barring the Yoda factor, if he gives us any trouble we lock him up.
Pilot: But do you trust him?
John: Hell – no! I don’t trust him. Do I look stupid to you? No, please – Don’t answer that question

 


John: Whatcha doing?
Chiana: Oh, I’m having sex with 3 Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?

 


John: (To D’Argo) Go back to your mountain, Grizzly. You’re not wanted here.

 


John: I could give a squirrel’s nut what you watch.

 


Zhaan: Just enjoy it, John. Enjoy it.
John: Yeahyeahyeah. Have another one blue girl. Ionic radiation gives her photogasms. Unless she’s faking it – they can do that y’know. Hey, Zhaan! You faking it?
Zhaan: Nooo… Oh no no…

 


Pilot: I’m only judging on my experience with you – but I’ve never seen such a deficient species.
John: Have you run a scan on the pulsar light yet?
Pilot: How do humans make it through a cycle – even half a cycle — without killing each other?
John: We find it difficult have you run the scan?
Pilot: You have no special abilities. You’re not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see, and you’re not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing. Is there anything you do well?
John: Watch football.

 


John: Is that what this is all about? Is that it? Okay. Then where’s my ice cream?
Aeryn: What?
John: Where’s my ice cream?
Rygel: Savage. I know almost every food in the galaxy-
John: Where’s my damn ice cream!?
Rygel: I have no idea what “eyes is green” is.
John: Is that it Sparky? Gonna take the road well-traveled? Gonna play dumb? I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream! Baskin Robbins, Ben and Jerry’s, Good Humor- What’s your favorite? Creamsicle or fudgesicle?

 


John: Gilligan and Mary Ann. Maybe you’re Ginger – I’d have to, uh, see you in a Wonderbra to know. Where are you guys takin’ the Minnow?

 


John: Here’s Johnny! Hiya, honey!
Aeryn: Go away!
John: Hiya kids. What’s going on? Is this a… French Revolution type of thing?
Aeryn: Stay out!
John: Listen, I might be crazy – could be – but I got a plan. What do you say we all put our guns down – we’ll lock ’em in a closet. That way nobody gets hurt.
Aeryn: No!
John: Honey – please?
Aeryn: Next time you’ll be a crouton, Crichton.

 


Aeryn: We have to risk it don’t we? In any assault, a soldier has to take chances and attack the nerve center.
Rygel: Shut up! I don’t need a grunt to give me a military assault lecture! I wrote military assault lectures!
Aeryn: You? The only thing you’ve ever assaulted is a plate of food cubes! Now shut up!

 


Scorpius: Yes! Yes – revenge is a dish best served cold and you like revenge, don’t you?
John: SHUT UP! I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare.

 


John: Drop it! Oh, go ahead. Try it Medusa – try it. Down boy… Roll over. Good boy.
D’Argo: Go on. Kill me.
Scorpius: Go on John! Do it! Then we can go to the beach! I know a place with naked Sebacean girls and margarita shooters!
John: Go away, Scorpy! You’re not real. Uh-uh. What? What am I being – irrational? Oh. Well, have a little pain.
Scorpius: Finish him. Finish him! Then we can go to that little eye-talian joint I know.
John: I don’t like eye-talian!
Scorpius: Don’t be a coward. Kill him.

 


John: My little black book…is all full.

 


John: Well, well, well. This is becoming a problem you’re gonna need professional help with. First you betray the Peacekeepers, and every vow you’ve made since you were born. And now poor Sparky, here? Tell, me Princess, when you’re old and fat, will you have anything to look back on with pride?
Aeryn: Is that it? Oh, don’t stop. Why don’t you make – another speech? You self-important, deficient little man! All you ever do is talk! Your father was the hero you know! He did things. You, you’re just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment.
John: That is good! That is fan-tastic! Coming from a frigid, flat-butted- Peacekeepser skank!
Scorpius: Kill her. Then we’ll have pizza. And some margarita shooters. Go on, John. Kill her! Do it. Do it.
John: Nobody- has margaritas with pizza.

 


John: Hiya, kids!
Rygel: Let me go. I command it, you miserable-
John: No one’s going anywhere, not even to Disneyland. Not before we all have the breakfast of looooosers! Oh, look everybody! Sunshine’s awake! Rinaldo! Even on a flesh wound. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! That must hurt! Sorry.

 


John: Now that we’re all here, and so happy- Do you think we could all get along for 3 microts?
D’Argo: No.
John: No? But D’Argo, I need you to understand- that crackers don’t matter. Woooo! Hah! Have I got your attention now? Good!

 


John: So. Class. Today’s assignment is – anyone? Anyone? Anyone? A brand new caaarrr! No! It’s T’raltixx! T apostrophe R-A-L-T-I double X. T’raltixx! Since he came on board, we’ve been fighting about everything, including these. Now, I’ve been acting twisted as well. Still am. Been seeing Scorpius like he’s guest-starring on Hawaii 5-0. Huhhuh! – how crazy is that? But – I realized something. Frigging nuts that I am – it’s not the pulsars affecting me!

 


John: We are past the pulsars. So how come we’re acting even crazier? Zhaan?
Zhaan: Stop bothering me! I’m busy!
John: Yes. Yes. Yes. Private moment number 300 and 40-4… Tell them.
Zhaan: You tell them.
John: ZHA-AN!
Zhaan: When I was near T’raltixx, I was more affected than when I was in the light. He-he made me feel-
John: Enough. Go for 345.

 


John: So. I have – as much as I hate to do this -I have to ask for your help.
Aeryn: No.
John: Wrong answer!

 


John: Look at you two bozos. You’d kill each other before you got anywhere near T’raltixx.

 


Chiana: Don’t you get it furball? Look. Crichton’s the only one not affected by T’raltixx because he’s deficient.
John: Who you calling deficient?
Chiana: You. You’ve got the worst eyes out of all of us. That’s why your optic nerves aren’t being affected.
John: I got great eyes. They’re better than 20/20 and they’re blue!
Chiana: Okay. So, can you read the symbols on the basin over there?
John: There’s nothing there.
Rygel: Warning-
D’Argo: -don’t flush corrosives-
Aeryn: -down the waste tunnel.
John: That’s all right. That’s a joke.
Aeryn: Excellent. If we’re gonna let blue-eyes save the day, we’d better come up with a very good plan.

 


John: I’m not deficient. I’m superior! Humans – are – superior.

 


John: What the hell is this?
Zhaan: Heat-deflecting paste. You’ll burn up in there without it.
John: Smells like puke.
Zhaan: I pre-digested it to increase its potency.
John: IT’S PUKE?!

 


John begins humming “Ride of the Valkyries” and poses like Luke Skywalker on a Star Wars movie poster.
Aeryn: We are going to die.

 


John: Fire the drive up for 10 microts, no more! No mippippippi! I do not want to blow up!

 


John:Humpty-Dumpty sat on the wall… And all the King’s horses and all the King’s men… Hey, Zhaan. How do we take it all back?
Zhaan: I don’t know.

 


 

Last Episode
Guide
Next Episode